I felt crushed at her reaction (Picture: Ben Hartnell-Smith)
When I walked into the living room, my 6 month old daughter Rheya didn’t recognise me.
She looked almost scared of me. In fact, she refused to be near me and cried into her mum’s arms.
It was the day I got home from my first round of cancer treatment, and it was probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to face.
In 2022, I was diagnosed with a type of cancer called Burkitt’s Lymphoma, at the age of 21.
I spent two months separated from my family. So, when I got back, I was excited to see her.
But, I felt crushed at her reaction.
It wasn’t her fault – but I felt like it was mine. I felt like I had failed as a father and let her down by not being with her during those months.
She reacted that way because she didn’t recognise me – I was bald, extremely pale and had lost about 30kg in weight.
Ben spent two months separated from his family (Picture: Ben Hartnell-Smith)
After that moment, between the exhaustion and guilt, I spent the rest of that night in bed.
The next day, after a lot of encouragement from Rheya’s mother, she let me hold her for the first time and it felt amazing to be able to be a small part of her life again. But, it showed me that I had a long way to go before she would see me as her dad again.
Over the next few days she got more comfortable with me – she would do little things like hold my hand or eventually let me give her a bottle.
It was a long process for her – we were pretty much restarting our entire relationship.
Before I was diagnosed, I had severe stomach pains for about a month.
It eventually got so bad that Rheya’s mum called an ambulance and I was taken to hospital where I spent four weeks on a ward before I was diagnosed.
Ben didn’t have access to his family while on the ward (Picture: Ben Hartnell-Smith)
The pain came in waves but got more consistent and was joined by other symptoms – night sweats, sickness and dizziness.
During these four weeks, the doctors believed it could have been a muscle tear or IBS – they tested for a lot of possibilities.
You weren’t allowed to see people on the ward, so I would walk out to see Rheya’s mum, but as my symptoms got worse and I struggled with leaving the room, this stopped.
Throughout this time my family were my rock. They were always there to encourage me when I felt hopeless. These are the things that really helped me and pushed me through the hard times
The night I got my cancer diagnosis, I was absolutely crushed.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell my parents or the mother of my child the news, or the survival rates I had …read more
Source:: Metro
