It’s only been since moving to London that Anna-Maria has felt calm (Picture: Anna-Maria Tesfaye)
I remember from an early age struggling with my gender.
I felt very uncomfortable in girl’s clothes like dresses, skirts and (god forbid) tights.
I would always sit ‘like a boy’ with my legs spread, which, well, didn’t make anyone in my family happy.
Growing up queer in Russia made me feel apprehensive most of the time.
It’s only been since moving to London that I’ve felt calm.
The real drama with my identity began with the physical changes of puberty, which were especially distressing for 12-year-old me.
The growing discomfort with my body led to something, I believe, can now be described as a form of self harm. I vividly remember trying to flatten my chest with my fists.
But at the time I didn’t know any better. The term non-binary was non-existent and my only real education on the LGBTQIA+ community came when my family watched movies like Billy Elliot.
Even then, it was not something I thought about much as a kid.
As years went by, most social events often escalated into confrontations as I still resisted wearing dresses and rejected traditional feminine roles.
While I did like some ‘feminine’ things, like nail polish and playing with Barbie, I also kind of kept it a secret – which was probably internalised misogyny.
I remember I even pretended to like chocolate milkshakes at McDonalds, because boys liked it, and girls liked the strawberry one (my favourite is actually banana, but never mind).
The more I learned about what non-binary meant I felt like that it was something that fitted me just right (Picture: Anna-Maria Tesfaye)
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During my teens, I adopted a male identity online, which compounded my internal conflicts and led to severe mental health crises – including depression and thoughts of suicide, especially when my friends outed me.
It was probably one of the hardest periods of my life: I remember how I would imagine that I’d just wake up one day as this guy who existed only in my head, suppress my other identity completely and what a happy life he (or me?) would live.
Later on, aged 24, I found myself in a heteronormative relationship that forced me into a hyper feminine era – make-up, dresses, and a demeanour far removed from my true self.
This relationship served as a constant reminder that I wasn’t living authentically.
I was trying to be a submissive feminine partner.
I learned how to cook his favourite dishes, and was probably trying to hold onto someone who loved and wanted me for me.
For me, a Black Russian queer person, London was like the Mecca of the most inclusive, multicultural, and queer-friendly atmosphere I’d …read more
Source:: Metro
