John’s fear mirrored my father’s life so closely that it was almost unbearable to watch (Picture: Jennifer Hillman)
The bar was heavy with tension as Elaine Peacock (Harriet Thorpe) confronted her late-husband’s secret lover Drew on EastEnders.
Elaine’s husband, John Carter, died of a heart attack over 30 years ago but it was revealed this week that he had been having an affair with Drew for years before that.
Then came Drew’s disclosure that he’s been living with HIV since 1986. So what about the love of his life, John?
‘He was too scared ever to test,’ he said, his voice breaking under the weight of his words.
I felt a knot tighten in my chest. John’s fear mirrored my father’s life so closely that it was almost unbearable to watch.
That moment brought my dad, Christopher Arthur Hillman, back to me in a rush of memories — the secrets he carried, the stigma that shaped his choices, and the illness that took him from us too soon.
My father was a remarkable man. Intelligent, driven, and endlessly curious, he was a chartered accountant with a deep passion for history.
Then came Drew’s (R) disclosure that he’s been living with HIV since 1986 (Picture: BBC)
When I was a child, he would sweep me into his world of ancestry and art, making connections between our family tree and the broader tapestry of history. Visits to the Tate Modern with him shaped my creativity and left me in awe of his mind.
But for all his strengths, my dad struggled with his identity and the fear of being judged. Growing up, I could sense there was a sadness he carried, a part of himself he kept hidden.
Society’s stigma about being gay in his generation ran deep, and I believe it prevented him from living authentically or seeking the care he needed. So he stayed together with my mother.
After my mother passed away in March 2012, aged 55 — she struggled with bipolar disorder — my father tried to start fresh. He went to Thailand in May of that year, where he found purpose in helping children access education.
For all his strengths, my dad struggled with his identity and the fear of being judged (Picture: Jennifer Hillman)
I cherish the photographs he took there, full of joy and light (Picture: Jennifer Hillman)
He often spoke of that time with pride, and I cherish the photographs he took there, full of joy and light. But even in those moments of fulfilment, I sensed his dissatisfaction and could see that he wrestled with internal battles that we never openly discussed.
When he returned to the UK in 2014, my son and I were lucky to have him close. I thought we had more time.
But earlier this year, on April 7, he passed away at the age of 71. His death certificate listed pneumonia and HIV.
Seeing those words was surreal; I couldn’t quite connect the dots at first. It felt like I …read more
Source:: Metro