DEAR MISS MANNERS: Some years ago, my uncle, having never met my then-boyfriend, made a series of racist jokes about him. (My boyfriend is part-Asian.)
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These jokes were made on my blog, which another family member had shared with my uncle without my consent. For example, if I wrote that I was attending a party, my uncle would comment, “Make sure to bring egg rolls for Chang!” (My boyfriend is not named Chang, and is not Chinese.)
Years later, my father died suddenly. My uncle was supportive to me then, and my boyfriend was cordial to him as a kindness to me.
My uncle said that he’d be honored to give me away at my wedding someday in lieu of my father, whom he idolized.
I didn’t mention the offer to my boyfriend, as marrying wasn’t on our minds then, and he seemed to be getting along with my uncle. Subsequently, we got engaged.
When I mentioned the prior jokes to my uncle, saying that I was glad he and my fiance had put it behind them, he completely denied it ever happened. He seemed to totally forget how cruel he’d been years ago.
This infuriated my fiance, and he is now dead-set against my uncle even being at our wedding.
How will I tell my uncle this?
Truthfully, I think my uncle was a jerk back then and wants to rewrite history now, as he doesn’t want to believe he could have been so ignorant. An apology would go a long way, but I know he won’t give one.
GENTLE READER: Some things are painful but not complicated. Miss Manners notes that this is not a political disagreement, nor a misunderstanding, nor a private thought that was not meant for public consumption, nor a joke gone wrong.
One could strip away the present political situation and the history of racial animus in America without affecting the underlying facts: Your uncle chose, without provocation, to belittle your boyfriend in a quasi-public forum where the insults were seen, as intended, by yourself, your boyfriend …read more
Source:: The Mercury News – Entertainment
