Dear Eric: A friend was recently served divorce papers by her husband after a scandal in which he moved her and their children across the country for a new job, only to reveal he was leaving her for a long-term mistress in that same town.
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I want to be there for her in this awful time, but our dynamic has been so off that I am struggling to sympathize with her.
Over the past several years our long-term friend group has opened up to each other about challenges in all of our marriages – infidelity, COVID lockdown, aging parents, moves, etc. She always maintained a smug older-sister “I’m worried about you” stance with condescending undertones we tolerated.
To find out now she had been having serious problems in her own marriage for years, that she was not in fact “blindsided” as she purports, and that she never once opened up while we were all being vulnerable, it just leaves me with an ick.
Now when I talk to her, I feel like I’m talking to a PR machine. She owes no one any details about her personal life and I’m not asking, but this is a very inauthentic friendship and I’m uncomfortable participating in it as is.
What is my role here? Is it my turn to say, “There, there, I’m worried about you”?
– Sorry But Not Sorry
Dear Sorry: Charitably, you can read her past condescension and creative relationship with the truth as a symptom of her insecurity. Depending on how condescending and creative she was, that may be a lot of charity. And none of it tax-deductible.
But, alas, trading condescension for condescension isn’t going to make you feel any better.
Try readjusting your expectations of her and this friendship. Sympathizing with her may not be possible, but you can still express kindness on a human level. She may not be able to give your friend group the vulnerability or empathy that you need.
This can also be a way of redrawing the boundaries in your relationship. You can engage with her less, while still affirming that you’re here for her, should she need something. And perhaps later, when she’s in a better place, …read more
Source:: The Mercury News – Entertainment
