Warning: This article discusses grief, illness and death.
How many times have you looked at your friend’s number on your phone, your thumb hovering over the dial button…then felt you couldn’t disturb them and locked the screen? Years ago, when my mom had to spend a couple of weeks in the hospital, I found myself doing just that. I’ve done it more times than I can remember. It’s easy to feel like the weight and responsibility of being there for someone when it’s really dark is reserved for partners, not friends. Society, after all, places more emotional emphasis on romance than friendship. It doesn’t always feel appropriate to call a friend and ask them to come over because you can’t bear to go home to an empty house, or face a diagnosis, or because you simply need to cry with someone. I remember all those years ago, standing in the dark under a billboard with my phone in hand, feeling as though it wasn’t fair to reach out to a friend, because friends don’t sign up to this kind of thing. Looking back, I was so wrong.
The Room Next Door recently hit big screens and what struck me when I went to see it was the gravity of what we can ask of our friends, how we do it, and how intimate platonic relationships can become in times of need. In the film, Tilda Swinton’s character, Martha, who is dying of cancer, makes the biggest possible request of another person, and it’s her friend Ingrid (Julianne Moore) who receives this request — there is no romantic partner to lean on. The film looks at how their friendship grows and is challenged in equal measure by Martha’s request and Ingrid’s desire to help. I left the screening feeling as though we should all be a bit braver within our friendships and ask for help when we need it — even if we feel the ask is big.
Refinery29 spoke to women about the times their friends rose to the occasion and didn’t make them feel burdensome. Often it’s our friends who understand us best and know what we need when the time comes. I’ve grown to learn this in the last couple of years, and if I could go back to that night when my mom was first staying in hospital, I’d have reached out to my friend. Now, when problems arrive that I can’t solve alone, I press the dial button. Support is always there.
*Some names have been changed to protect anonymityAislinn, 35, Belfast, Northern Ireland
I am very lucky to have a wonderful husband but I have leaned hard on my friends this year in a way I haven’t on my husband.
I have the BRCA2 gene mutation, which means my risk of getting breast and/or ovarian cancer is markedly increased. My mom died of cancer young, my granny died at a young age, and aunts too. I decided to undergo risk-reducing surgery and get a full mastectomy.
Even …read more
Source:: Refinery29
