Kairah has a complicated relationship with sex (Picture: Getty)
Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
For this week’s How I Do It we hear from Kairah* a 29-year-old from East London.
As a bi-curious Black British woman, Kairah grew up in a religious household where speaking about sex was completely off the cards.
‘I was taught that sex was for marriage and, for a while, I believed that – I somewhat still do,’ Kairah explains.
‘I tried to save myself for marriage, but that decision was taken away from me when I was raped at 19.’
Kairah says it took her two years for her to realise that she’d been assaulted and even longer for her to accept it, leaving her relationship with sex ‘tainted’.
And, as a response to her trauma, she fell into a pattern of having casual sex with strangers.
She says: ‘At first, it was great. It felt freeing, in fact. But then I had another occasion where I was assaulted again.
‘Then, I started using casual sex as a coping mechanism.’
Since then, Kairah has tried to only sleep with guys she sees a long-term connection with, but it hasn’t always gone to plan.
She adds: ‘I enjoy having sex with men who are quite dominant. However, I think this might be a trauma response.
‘I struggle with having ownership of my body due to my assault, so I rarely initiate sex and let men lead.’
Without further ado, here’s how Kairah got on this week…
The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Monday
I’m meant to be working from home today but I opt to set myself up with my laptop in Shoreditch House, as I’m meeting a work contact here for dinner. I spend the next few hours working and before you know it, it’s time for my meeting.
I find some time to read a few pages of The Right To Sex by Amia Srinivasan. The book explores sex and it’s relationship to gender, class and race.
One specific point that stood out to me is the idea that men don’t know better when it comes to consent. ‘Men have chosen not to listen because it has suited them not to do so because the norms of masculinity dictate that their pleasure takes priority,’ Srinivasan writes.
This is profound as I always gave my abusers grace in the past. I always thought that they didn’t know what they were doing, but they did.
Victim Support
Victim Support offers support to survivors of rape and sexual abuse. You can contact them on 0333 300 6389.
Tuesday
I wake up early to go to the gym for 45 minutes. I love the way I feel after a workout. When I get home, I shower, make some breakfast and start work.
I find my mind drifting to the last time I had sex, which was six weeks ago. Though I’m still committed to not sleeping with random people, …read more
Source:: Metro
