Ask Amy: I’m hurt that my friends didn’t realize I needed their help

Dear Amy: My mother died recently, after a brief illness.

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It was heartbreaking for me. My father died 10 years ago, and now they’re both gone.

I sent a text to my close friends letting them know about her death and telling them that there would not be a service. My mom had requested to be cremated and to have a gathering for family only.

My friends all responded with sympathy to my text telling them that my mother had died.

My two closest friends asked if I needed anything. At that time I really did not need anything, and so I said no. One of these two friends has never called or stopped by to visit me.

I don’t know if I should reach out to these friends asking why they’re ignoring me, or just leave it alone.

I am very hurt and would prefer to end my relationship with them.

Your thoughts?

– Grieving

Dear Grieving: My thoughts are that if you allow your grief to extend to ending these friendships, you will be very alone.

Your friends might not be deliberately ignoring you. They may see this as “giving you space.”

Two universal truths are revealed here: No two people grieve alike, and many of us behave within cultural norms that don’t teach us how to acknowledge others’ loss and grief.

Your mother’s choice to keep her memorial service very small denied you the opportunity to gather with friends at one time and in one place, with everyone sharing some of the rituals of loss. This might have helped you to feel more connected.

I hope you will not give up on these friendships. Your friends asked you once if you needed anything, and now it’s time for you to say, “I really do need something. I need to spend some time together. I need to talk.”

Dear Amy: I’ve been in a bad place, and I’m a little surprised at the reason: I am grieving over the death of Matthew Perry.

I …read more

Source:: The Mercury News – Entertainment


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